If You Can't Think, Don't Bother.

This video is much more than it actually is.
The point of the video is about considering empathy and the fact that your existence is just as important, and unimportant, as anyone else’s. Considering other human beings, their feelings and dreams and frustrations and flaws, and looking at them as they are as well as as they might be. It’s about the ability to change the way you think from one way, to another way.
But it’s much more than that.
Because there are invisible systems, facts, and intricacies to our universe everywhere. 
Wallace talks about how much of education is about simple “Awareness”, but I’m not sure even he knew what that really meant, especially with what ended up happening to him. But life itself is probably most likely about awareness, and expanding it. To say that life is about what you do or even who you are is self-centered, literally, because there are so many people that have done so many things that are right and wrong and just died, unremembered, forgotten, empty, void. The way he talks about it, empathy can save your emotional and mental state. And it can. 

But more Awareness could save the world. 

Entrench. Expand. Evolve. 

Energito: “If you’re automatically sure that you know what reality is, and you are operating on your default setting, then you, like me, probably won’t consider possibilities that aren’t annoying and miserable. But if you really learn how to pay attention, then you will know there are other options. It will actually be within your power to experience a crowded, hot, slow, consumer-hell type situation as not only meaningful, but sacred, on fire with the same force that made the stars: love, fellowship, the mystical oneness of all things deep down.

….

Not that that mystical stuff is necessarily true.” 

But that would be dumb. Not only because there is no such thing, but because the more rigorous your standards are, the less likely they are to be met, or wanted to be met, and the more disappointed you’ll be when they aren’t met. So you could do it, it’s just not a good idea. That being said.

You can still ask for some things. There are some things in life that really shouldn’t be too much to ask for. 

And I think, that’s all we’re ever going to ask.

Sunny: Just chose the song on the album I happened to be listening to. Go listen to it, seriously, it’s orgasmic. 

I’ve got it. My idea is solidifying and mentally encapsulating as I type.
This is it. This it the thing I’m going to devote my life to. 
And it’s a little stupid, because I’ve already met someone who was doing the same exact thing, and I understood it then, but didn’t see myself going as far as him. I’m realizing now that I will have to. That the sentiment of comrades in arms that flowed from our conversations wasn’t just for show, wasn’t just me elevating myself up to his level for the sake of pride.

No, I really do plan on doing this. 
And unfortunately (fortunately?), doing this requires that I change the way I live the rest of my life as well. Everything else is suddenly secondary. Background noise. This thing is the only thing that matters. 

I feel a little dumb, not only because he started this at 18 and I’m 20, and not only because I met him earlier in my life, but because at some point, I don’t remember when, someone asked me if there was anyone I looked up to, and I genuinely couldn’t think of anyone. It wasn’t a lie, because I’d simply forgotten. Looking back on our conversations, I look up to him. 

And now, I’ll be reaching him. 

Rose - Goodbye normal life, hello ultimate solitude. 

Let me say something.
This game is great. So is its entire soundtrack. But there is something special about this song. 

Something boundless. Unlimited. Something free and intangible. Something complex and vague. Something sad and hopeful. Something scared and desperate. Something brave. Something fearless. 

This song grasps at you. It grasps perhaps not at you, but at the you within you. The hidden, the secret, the concealed. It forces it out of you, demanding that it be released with every consequence suffered. 

This song makes you feel like you can do anything, because it reminds you who you are at your core.

Azure: What is it that we all have within us? What is it that we try so hard to both hide and show everyone at once?

As if differences in mentality and existential significance can determinedly distance individuals to the point where desire becomes moot and purpose begets change begets separation. Maybe that’s an entirely accurate description. Maybe I’m being pessimistic. I can’t tell anymore.

But I’m exhausted. Especially in light of the Bioshock Infinite thing. Finishing that game put everything in perspective of not only we do and why we do it, but that we can always choose to do differently, to act differently, that those things have different effects and change things on a constant basis. It perfectly encapsulates what it means to be human, what it means to always be in conflict of what you want to be and what you consistently are, and the fight between those two things. 

I don’t think I’m tired of feeling like the only one fighting. That’s not true. Everyone’s always fighting, struggling, being. 

I’m tired of feeling like I’m the only one winning. 

Kuro: And that brings a special kind of loneliness, I just realized. Every joke has some truth to it.

The above link is the only song I’ve listened to for what feels like a while.
It occurs to me now that I get really bad when I haven’t listened to music, any kind of music, for a long time. I suppose if there’s anything I could choose to be dependent on, it’s a good thing it’s something I have incredibly ready access to. Even so, that makes me uncomfortable.

I get the feeling that after posting this, I’m going to get a few complaints. That’s okay. I anticipated it. But, at the beginning of the day and at the end of the night, I am alone. In my mind, in my body, in my soul, in my experiences. Subjectivism for me is a single experience, that is practically superimposed on every passing and coming version of my self, not even including other people who’ve experienced similar things. Empathy is a brilliant and immensely difficult thing when put into perspective. I’ve tried to pride myself in it, even if it’s only ever been logical or abstract for me specifically. I’ve always tried to understand, like it’s the most important thing in the world. 

But, because of some stupid emotion-driven thought, it feels like the rest of the world doesn’t feel or act the same way. That’s probably not even fair, as it may seem like I’m the same way a lot of the time. Nevertheless, I’m hearing an acute silence around this time of day. The loudest beauty through sonorous symbols fails to deliver me from the absolute tranquil nothingness that seems to permeate my existence at this very moment. 

I bet, right after posting this, I’m going to change that. I can do that. But, I think it’s important to document my low times, my sad moments, since they seem/feel so few and far in between. Otherwise, I may (and probably more importantly, other people) forget I have them.

Sijto - So, how bout them websites, huh?

I’m not sure how I feel, only that I do. Part of me looks at the fact that I feel at all as a flaw, as it might impair my judgment, but another part of me knows that’s wrong, that feelings are important and I shouldn’t block them out, shut them out, reject them, tell them to go away. I should understand them, acknowledge them, take them seriously, take their (ha) feelings into account.
So.
How am I feeling?

Angry? No. 

Happy? No.

Sad? A little. 

Frustrated? Yes. 

Upset? No. 

Determined? Yes.

Resentful? No.

Spiteful? No. 

Conclusive? More than I should be.

I feel more conclusive than I should be. One case, two cases, three do not make a graph, do not make a set of lines that go in conjunction together. If at first you don’t succeed, that’s one data point.  And that’s okay. There shouldn’t be some overly harsh judgment, some retroactive blowback, some overreaction of a result from this. I can handle it, as long as I acknowledge the above while accepting it, and look at things as they really are instead of how I both wish them to be, and dread them to be.

Skye: Just needed a little reminder. 

Have you ever heard that term? “What’s your stake in this?” 
Once, I started wondering why people argue so much with their significant others more than seemingly anyone else. I realized that it had to do with “stake”, how they were more motivated to work on things and their relationship because it meant more to them. Because losing whatever it was was so out of the question, they had to work out whatever it was, or become emotionally drained an exhausted trying. In the interest of keeping said relationship stable or quiet, sometimes couples, one of them or both, will just let things slide. Completely not even bring up something that bothers them, and just stuff the feelings associated with it into a tiny little ball. It occurs to me now that some marriages, actually several of them, stay together this way. 

But examining this line of thinking makes me realize that I am not like this. I don’t work towards relationships and for relationships because I’m afraid to lose them, or even simply for the sake of keeping things together. When it comes to romance specifically, I do it because I’m honest. I know relationships fail because of emotional retreating, just not talking about something or hiding within the self, and in the interest of that not happening because of dishonesty, I’m honest. 

Which makes me unbearable to be with. Because, especially when it comes to the relationship itself, I’ll point out everything. And to most people, that’s annoying. Human beings don’t like flaws. They don’t like talking about, acknowledging, and/or trying to fix flaws, especially their own. It’s extremely frustrating to be with someone who’ll just spend a bunch of time telling you you’ve made a bunch of mistakes, whether you hurt their feelings or someone else’s or what, even if they’re just doing it for the sake of acknowledgement or progression. Which is why I’d tell most people not to date me. Not seriously, anyway. I’m not that mean to people I casually date. 
So, when it comes to someone leaving me after a long while of putting up with my shit, it’ll come down to this: “Is my stake in this relationship worth that?”  

Skye: Of course, “the one” would be eating up the criticism for breakfast and immediately doing shit to change it. But that’d be expecting a lot, wouldn’t it.