If You Can't Think, Don't Bother.

Maintaining my own standards at a constant pace, 100% of the time, is impossible.

No.

That’s not true.

Nothing is impossible.

So it’s only when I write out the sentence when I realize how lazy I’ve been. Thank you. Also, thank you for giving me a (supposedly) positive incentive to rectify it. I don’t think proving someone wrong is a good reason to do much of anything, but proving yourself right certainly is. Thank you, I love you, even if you don’t love me back.

Shiro: Sidenote: What happened to your password tumblr? You changed the password for a few days, and then took it down completely or changed the name some time ago.

A long time ago, I promised myself that if I could ever be better, change something about myself that could ever improve life for myself or other people, that I would do it, no matter how hard it was or how difficult it seemed. What I’m about to do is me making good on that promise. Again.

Sunny is, ultimately, an anomaly. She came from the outside, saw everything we were and wanted all of it. So we gave it to her. Once she had it, our vision, she saw that we could go even further. She went first. Then she opened the door to outside. We all went with her. Now, even with 10 people coming in and out of this head, there still seems to be space because most of us aren’t there most of the time. Now, we see different versions of ourselves and other people, and have an ever clearer view of exactly what we want to be. Because of Sunny, our own development is going exponentially faster.

After Sunny, there was Kuro. Kuro has always been a closed shell with things we didn’t understand leaking out. Once he changed, he was completely open, with love spilling out willingly from literally everywhere. He seems a completely different person, but he’s just a more fully realized version of himself.

That’s what I’m going to do. And maybe, just maybe, we’ll all go one by one, and ascend because of the promise I made. Life will get harder, as we get better, because the contrast between us and the rest of the world will be even sharper, even harder to ignore.

But that’s a good thing. With it being difficult to ignore, there’ll be more reason, more incentive to change it. This isn’t actualization for the sake of it, but change from the inside, out. First us. Then our surroundings. Then, everything else.

So as things get clearer, other people get farther away. Hopefully, not too far, but farther ever still. We can always count on a person, a couple people, to keep trying, though. So we won’t be so alone.

Shiro: I wonder how many ways this can be badly interpreted. I find myself asking myself this question every time I write something. Maybe I’ll stop after doing what I’m planning to do, since it’s not really a question that matters.

And ultimately, the problem with Anarchy.

America speaks about Freedom like it’s the most important thing in the world, whereas the most important thing is, and always will be, Love.

The problem with Freedom is that Freedom with Love is everything that’s wrong with Freedom. The freedom to hurt, to conquer, to control, to strive for the self, to be selfish and self-centered, the freedom to continue on in ignorance or in stupidity, to continue on as a horrible person without anyone to tell you otherwise.

There is a faction of people who would be perfect for Anarchy. Without anyone to tell them what to do, what to think, what to feel, they’d relish in their newfound freedom and joyously live out their lives without ever having to harm or bother anyone else. A true pursuit of happiness with no restrictions, none needed, because things like theft, murder, adultery and fraud, lying wouldn’t be necessary for them. They’d be strong enough to live, breathe, feed and exist without those rules, for they completely rule themselves. Anarchy is great, for them.

What Anarchists probably don’t realize is that the rest of the world isn’t like that. Some people have the law being the only thing between them and rape. Some people only have the bible standing between them and murder. Some people would need the government in place to control their more negative sides, their more dark impulses, the things that are supposedly opposite from humanity. Crimes are committed on a daily basis today, with the law in place. Prisons are only getting more full as time passes on. What Anarchists probably don’t realize is, how bad would people be without imposed law?

It’s not that Freedom and Anarchy are bad things. They can just be badly used.

Sunny: That went way farther than I thought it would.

ev·o·lu·tion/ˌevəˈlo͞oSHən/

1. The process by which different kinds of living organisms are thought to have developed and diversified from earlier forms during the…
2. The gradual development of something, esp. from a simple to a more complex form.

I do know, however, that I love this song. 
Anyway.

What is it about college that gives me exactly as much time as I need to coast through my life undisturbed by the present and only pondering about the future peripherally, but about vacation that gives me all of the time in the world to squander and feel guilty about squandering later? Like.
A few weeks ago, I think I told myself I was going to do something, or start something, but I haven’t really started on it much at all. While I was at college, I didn’t feel that bad about it because I always occupied my time with other things, but it’s two in the morning, I’m not going to sleep because I woke up 10 hours ago and refuse to let my Tuesday (now Wednesday anyway. Happy Leap Year!) dissipate into the wind uselessly without giving this some serious thought.
What’s wrong with this picture? You know.
There aren’t that many projects that, looking at them, they seem too large for me to know where to start, or too large to even exist. Then again, all the projects I’ve ever done are mental projects, school projects, social projects or some controllable sphere of influence that I can realistically see myself having some degree of understandable control over. Changing something on a large scale? Completely different. When I go to the idea, my mind simultaneously thinks “obligatory” and “impossible”. “Impossible”, because my entire upbringing has been centered on making enough money to support myself and a future family that I’m (of course) going to have, and keeping up with my current set of responsibilities which, it’s completely feasible, if not expected for me to keep up with. “Obligatory”, because with what I know about myself, I see it conceivably possible that I could change something, and since I told myself that to self-actualize is to reach full potential, and within the realm of possibility is full potential, I have to do it. I don’t have a choice, by my own moral standards. 
Evidently, these two things contradict each other pretty thoroughly. Consciously, “obligation” takes it’s obvious precedence over something that’s expected of me by, well, my surroundings, but it’s so much easier to appease the world itself by staying low, saying nothing and having no real said opinion on the world and what should be done about it. Try as I might to consciously not act that way, I believe that in the grander scheme of things, it’s easier to live life as a normal person who’ll change almost nothing in their existence and not come across any real obstacles in their virtually uninteresting and unimportant life.  God, that would be so easy, but I can’t do it, because I’m acknowledging that I have been doing it now and to not change it would be to live with myself knowing that I’m doing it, and therefore be forever disappointed in myself and my own resolve to shift something on a large scale.

exhale

That being said. What am I going to do? What needs changing the most? How am I going to change it? Where should I start? What am I going to change it into?
Hm. Hold on, I have to do a bit of research.

faffs about on bunches of websites before realizing she already has the answer to most of these questions  

I think the answer is Love. I think that’s always been the answer. Love of life, of people, of knowledge and learning, of progress and beauty, of existence and togetherness. Love of all the things that make life better, including love itself. (As meta as that is.)
So that’s what I would change the world into. (As an afterthought, perhaps America was founded on the idea of freedom because those people, as colonies breaking away from the mainland, had been oppressed by a monarchy unjustly. Freedom of choice, of religion, of speech and everything with it was a culmination of a reaction against everything it’d gone through before. I suppose…freedom is a good thing to found a country on, but not the best thing, since it seems to concern itself with only it’s own freedoms and not the freedoms of the countries around it, rather, the rest of the world. I wonder what it’d be like to found a country on the idea of love?)  

While that’s pretty sound idea-wise, realistically…or perhaps, practically….what do I mean, really? 

Sunny: In other news, I have to add some names and colors to my list of people, and…for anyone who cares, 10 people in one head is too much, so I’ve devised a method that involves people walking in and out as needed. Right now, only Myself, Aqua, Energito, Ver, Rose and Azure are here. Everyone else is…well, elsewhere. 

I have to be honest with myself.
And everyone reading this.
And that’s rather hard. Because I want to have the natural reaction. You know, the “Well, my mothers dead so I should act sad because it’s how I’d be expected to act and not to act that way would be could.” reaction. Like in “The Stranger”. But.

I know how I feel about this, ultimately. Happy. There is freedom in this. Any sadness I may feel over lost dreams that disappeared a log time ago and paintings that are hung up for decoration instead of actuality is completely overshadowed by the priority of loving a person, today. To be honest, with enough thought, it’d be silly to think or feel otherwise.

This is a good thing. I’m allowed to say that, regardless of everything that’s happened and pushing it in every direction, I’m allowed to say that this is a good occurrence. It is a good thing.

I hope you keep this up.

Sunny: “Azure.”

About the only really good thing from today was the song in the title.
You know how sometimes you find those bands who have never made a bit of bad music?
Seriously, two albums later, these guys are amazing.

Anywho.

Someone I know thinks effort is an unlimited thing. I struggle to believe in that, since it means things like patience, understanding, love is also unlimited. Hard to believe.
But true.
So I keep going. As impossible, improbable, and useless as things may seem today, I do keep going. And I always will.

In other news, if these songs don’t resonate with Kuro, and I really don’t think they do, I think there might be another person in here somewhere. Shoot for 10, anyone?

Sunny: No, I’m not kidding.  

I’m not sure if it’s a little hard, or too easy to not hate myself right now. 

I’m sorry.

I’m sorry.

I’m sorry.

I’m so sorry.

But then, that doesn’t help anything, fix anything, change anything, it’s just a sentiment, but then again, so was

FUCK.

I’m giving up. No, not giving up.

Taking a journey. Because I feel I need to not be here. 

Ver: Be back later. 

Because suddenly you can hear your own thoughts. 

I’m doing my first real tumblr binge. So far, I’ve only found one person’s blog that’s anything like mine, and she stopped writing a while ago. It’s my favorite blog, ever. I’m on page…17 of 22, which is really page 5, because I’m going in chronological order.
But enough about that. Why am I really writing a post?

…

…

…

The forefront of my mind:
A ridiculous plot in motion to grasp the inherent meaning of freedom by destroying something fragile and constant while learning to be happy in the middle of it.

The reconsideration, rereconsideration of the everything of someone, while balancing the self and the outself’s emotions, trying not to plan and conspire, to feel, to push forward, closer, quieter, lovelier, trying not to look back.  

The pointless reaching across space, the universe towards a something, a feeling or a wanting, a constant reminder of ambivalence, of choice and/or lack thereof, of desire at it’s purest and most self-conscious.  

The connection, reconnection, rereconnection, rerepetition of complex links, kinks and contemplations of the nothingness, silence that is the past and the screaming, the drowning sound that is the future. Ignoring the reality, the now, the present, the this. 

But perhaps more honestly. Sensation. Bright lights that come with the irrefutably blind attempting to see an everything, the everything, Existence. The coming and going moment of __ that humanity itself, in it’s purity, it’s ugliness, in it’s advancement and mental primitiveness, has either ignored, forgotten, or never come into the realization of it’s presence. Perhaps, even more honestly, this is the eye of the storm, the distance between myself, the space around me, everything else, and then, even further away, everyone else. 

I don’t feel alone in the sense that no one cares about me, or understands me, or long distance relationships, or romantically.
I feel alone in the sense that no one else understands how together we all are. 

Sunny: Please, grow. If the average human being is a plant, I will be the sun, exploding consistently and constantly a plethora of chemicals and combinations of elements, molecules, gases to shine a light that will feed those who are willing to take a cold, relenting glass of water as well. 

First of all: Holy Shit. 

Now that I’ve got that out of the way. In my entire lifetime, I’ve seen a few life-altering movies and read a few life-altering books. At the end of the day, most of them didn’t have to be read or watched. Most of them either told me things I was either already aware of, or just needed confirmed by people. 

This movie. Expanded. Everything. It took every one of my ideas, or ideas that I live by, made them larger, farther, limitless and far-reaching, and gave me new ones to think about as well. 

It’s 3 in the morning and I just finished this movie. I’m going to watch it. Again. And you should watch it for the first time. 

Shiro: Probably now my favorite movie ever. 

I go into this without any idea what I’m going to write about. I just know that I have to, I have to write because what I’m thinking now is in another space from my usual thoughts and musings. 

I once read a fanfiction where the main character died, and there was a “Game Over” screen at the end. The character was awarded points for the good things he did, and deducted points for the bad things he did, or didn’t do. I suppose my question is now, what defines a human being? How happy they are? How happy they make the people around them? How simple, how complex, how in tune or out of shape, emotional, intelligent they are? Their own self-esteem, what people (or perhaps, person) think about them? A set of internal rules and how well you follow them? Is there any way to separate good people from bad people, from bad people who do good things to good people who do atrocious things, or is there really any such thing as a good or bad person? Or are we just making it all up? Which of these things really matter? 

…”A Hopeful Transmission.” 

…My aim has literally been to be the best human being possible. To be happy. To make other people happy. But the problem is…I can keep myself happy. It’s internally consistent, not dependent upon anything at all short of existence itself. The problem is, you can’t make all of the people happy, all of the time. My mind rebels at this kind of thought, treating it as defeatist. “You’re not trying hard enough” or “There must be a way”. So I tried. A lot. And I did pretty well for a short period of time, before all of it collapsed like a house of cards. I think it takes a bit more than a bright light to do what I’m trying to do. I think…someone else has the power to show me it is possible. Things to learn. Things to change. Things to help. But before all of that, I’ll take myself out of…a few equations. That might make things better for a while. 

Shiro: Until I can figure out what’s really going wrong. Or until someone else can show me. 

It’s a way of looking at the world. It’s a sense of humor, a similar taste in music, a shared color. It’s a look in the eyes, a whisper in the ears, words on a page, shades on a drawing. It’s the tone of skin, a brightness in the voice, a bouncing in the body. It’s a sound, an imagined taste, a longing, a sense of loneliness, a fear of being, or an outstretched arm. It’s happiness, it’s sadness, it’s wavelength and it’s hopes collided with dreams spliced with reality. It’s a remembered smell, an uplifting feeling, a heart palpitation, an utterly lost intake of breath. 

These are reasons. But I can’t find mine. Why am I trying? Because I’m supposed to? Because I have to? Peer pressure? Contest, Competition? 

Why is this so important to me? 

Sunny: Get the fuck out indeed. 

Except it’s not. What it is is…disconcerting. Perhaps…I’m not sure. Whenever I try to think of it from a “Things are this way or that way only” standpoint, there appear to be too many factors to take into account. 

It did hurt, though. Although in context, I suppose that means absolutely nothing. 

I suppose my question is…what happens in December? No, January, now, because apparently I was being too…what? Inconsiderate? Annoying? I don’t know. I can’t…look at it as making a mistake. Making a mistake is like doing something, realizing or being told it was the wrong thing to do, and then thinking “Oh, I should’ve known better.” 

Should I have? …No, I can’t say that I should have. This is a change of pace. But I’m wondering if it’ll either stay that way, in which case we’ll have to see how I’ll react, or whether it’ll go back to exactly the way it was, in which case…I don’t know. What it boils down to:

Can the past make things in the present impossible? Is the past something that will always hang over the head, the heart, the soul, and change the things, make better or utterly ruin the things that are happening now? Or is it an illusion, something that doesn’t exist if we’re not thinking, not feeling about it, and people are just letting things that no longer matter, are no longer relevant get to them?

One thing is for certain: The past sticks with us, if we let it. Is it hard to let go of? It depends how much, how long, how bad, how good, how pertinent it is. But if it’s years of torture, pain and hurt that seems like it’ll only continue if you make the same choices, can it ever really be let go of?

I don’t know.  

I believe it depends on the person. 

…I was originally going to name this post “Time.” 

Because the next 16 days….no, 23 days now for my ignorance, seem like they might be some of the longest in my life. 

Shiro: Tick. Tock. Tick. Tock. Waiting…waiting….wait..ing……