If You Can't Think, Don't Bother.

(Hikari.) This song speaks for itself.

Thu, 23 May 2013 23:15:40 -0400

And in case it doesn’t, here are some lyrics:

Hold your head up, there’s a light in the sky.
I know you’re fed up, but you must try to survive.
Each moment’s precious, don’t let life pass you by-
Keep focused, keep your eyes on the prize.

A friend of mine once told me,
We have many paths in this journey.
They act in different directions
So when you question don’t be worried,
It’s not a wrong one-
Beauty can be found in all of them.

You’ll meet people whose paths intersect
But you don’t know how long you’ll walk with them,
Cause’ the truth is, and it’s so hard, but you’ll never know
How long we’ll continue with our loved ones down this rugged road.
The path veers and it’s clear that we must steer alone.
I’ve learned if you can’t hold on to that moment that exists-
Let it go.

Cause’ freedom is god.
Freedom is acknowledging the mask you have on
And possessing the strength to take it off.
Freedom is accepting every step of the path
And when it’s hard having faith in the ability to embrace that
That’s where you are,
And this is it.
The same shit that we work towards,
But go against in the same sense.

My friend hit me to some game and truth unravelled, she said
“The brighter the light, the darker the shadow”,
And since I’m on cliche terms, knowing is half the battle.
But I don’t know,
So I just go with what was destined.
Life can be a burden or a blessing,
The choice is yours to be connected.
It’s there if you want it, you got it, now let it.

Hold your head up, there’s a light in the sky.
I know you’re fed up, but you must try to survive.
Each moment’s precious, don’t let life pass you by-
Keep focused, keep your eyes on the prize.

I feel like I have nothing to give right now,
This is my trial, tribulations, and it must go down,
But where’s the up?
I’m stuck with the broken smile,
No jokin’ now, wantin’ to grab a swish and smoke this out.
The moment of a man choosing what path I will go down
Do I give in, give up, or get up and live right now?
With a split gut, pick myself up and spit my style,
This is the only thing that can holds my ground.
You’re born into this world alone and alone you’ll go out
All I have is myself and everyone else I doubt.
You can only trust yourself and depend on the help of the pound
Inside the chest that beats with the breath of the now.
No sunshine when she’s gone, I can only see clouds.
No homies can hold me down, the spirit’s testing me now
But I can withstand this world, but it seems so foul
Flood of emotions, it’s like I’m being held down to drown.
Hell’s right around the corner, but I can turn it around.
You always have a choice, no matter the situation, you’re not bound,
To nothing, no one. You’re chosen for this job,
This is your life, you can’t escape this bitch when it’s hard.
Just know that it passes, but you’ll collect scars-
They never go away, but they will make you who you are.
This is a beautiful struggle, I share it in song cause’
I can’t control this, remember: the moment’s beyond us.

Hold your head up, there’s a light in the sky.
I know you’re fed up, but you must try to survive.
Each moment’s precious, don’t let life pass you by-
Keep focused, keep your eyes on the prize.

Shiro: I don’t need to add anything to this one.

(Flame.) "Morning, boys. How's the water?"

Wed, 15 May 2013 18:59:18 -0400

(Flame.) "Morning, boys. How's the water?":

This video is much more than it actually is.
The point of the video is about considering empathy and the fact that your existence is just as important, and unimportant, as anyone else’s. Considering other human beings, their feelings and dreams and frustrations and flaws, and looking at them as they are as well as as they might be. It’s about the ability to change the way you think from one way, to another way.
But it’s much more than that.
Because there are invisible systems, facts, and intricacies to our universe everywhere.
Wallace talks about how much of education is about simple “Awareness”, but I’m not sure even he knew what that really meant, especially with what ended up happening to him. But life itself is probably most likely about awareness, and expanding it. To say that life is about what you do or even who you are is self-centered, literally, because there are so many people that have done so many things that are right and wrong and just died, unremembered, forgotten, empty, void. The way he talks about it, empathy can save your emotional and mental state. And it can.

But more Awareness could save the world.

Entrench. Expand. Evolve.

Energito: “If you’re automatically sure that you know what reality is, and you are operating on your default setting, then you, like me, probably won’t consider possibilities that aren’t annoying and miserable. But if you really learn how to pay attention, then you will know there are other options. It will actually be within your power to experience a crowded, hot, slow, consumer-hell type situation as not only meaningful, but sacred, on fire with the same force that made the stars: love, fellowship, the mystical oneness of all things deep down.

….

Not that that mystical stuff is necessarily true.”

(Helios.) You can ask for perfection.

Sun, 14 Apr 2013 04:48:00 -0400

(Helios.) You can ask for perfection.:

But that would be dumb. Not only because there is no such thing, but because the more rigorous your standards are, the less likely they are to be met, or wanted to be met, and the more disappointed you’ll be when they aren’t met. So you could do it, it’s just not a good idea. That being said.

You can still ask for some things. There are some things in life that really shouldn’t be too much to ask for.

And I think, that’s all we’re ever going to ask.

Sunny: Just chose the song on the album I happened to be listening to. Go listen to it, seriously, it’s orgasmic.

What are you planning to do with your life now?

Fri, 12 Apr 2013 10:53:10 -0400

It’s a life project. To put it simply, I plan to know everything about how the world works on a large scale, think about how it could work sustainably and ideally on the same scale, and figure out how to make it transfer from one to the other. - Rose.

(Pink.) This is it.

Thu, 11 Apr 2013 07:12:24 -0400

(Pink.) This is it.:

I’ve got it. My idea is solidifying and mentally encapsulating as I type.
This is it. This it the thing I’m going to devote my life to.
And it’s a little stupid, because I’ve already met someone who was doing the same exact thing, and I understood it then, but didn’t see myself going as far as him. I’m realizing now that I will have to. That the sentiment of comrades in arms that flowed from our conversations wasn’t just for show, wasn’t just me elevating myself up to his level for the sake of pride.

No, I really do plan on doing this.
And unfortunately (fortunately?), doing this requires that I change the way I live the rest of my life as well. Everything else is suddenly secondary. Background noise. This thing is the only thing that matters.

I feel a little dumb, not only because he started this at 18 and I’m 20, and not only because I met him earlier in my life, but because at some point, I don’t remember when, someone asked me if there was anyone I looked up to, and I genuinely couldn’t think of anyone. It wasn’t a lie, because I’d simply forgotten. Looking back on our conversations, I look up to him.

And now, I’ll be reaching him.

Rose - Goodbye normal life, hello ultimate solitude.

What if someone walked out of the head temporarily, and you got pregnant, and after the baby was born that person never came back, because they were the baby

Wed, 10 Apr 2013 05:14:50 -0400

>< >< >< Correlation does not equal causation. Also, mindfuck. - Rose.

Did you cheat on Tiffany with Jessica?

Mon, 01 Apr 2013 21:36:00 -0400

What an interesting question to ask.
In my opinion, yes. Emotionally, with words and obscurity, I did. We never did anything physical, since I’ve never met Jessica, but it was while Tiffany was over in Michigan from Arizona, and it’s something I really regret/wish I didn’t do/could’ve stopped etc.

Some people would say that no, I didn’t, because we didn’t do anything physical at the time. I think that’s bullshit.

That sure was a while ago, though. May I ask who’s asking? (That doesn’t already know?)

Azure - I think I’ve got an idea who’s asking, interestingly enough.

(Azure.) Potential for Anything.

Mon, 01 Apr 2013 05:59:00 -0400

(Azure.) Potential for Anything.:

Let me say something.
This game is great. So is its entire soundtrack. But there is something special about this song.

Something boundless. Unlimited. Something free and intangible. Something complex and vague. Something sad and hopeful. Something scared and desperate. Something brave. Something fearless.

This song grasps at you. It grasps perhaps not at you, but at the you within you. The hidden, the secret, the concealed. It forces it out of you, demanding that it be released with every consequence suffered.

This song makes you feel like you can do anything, because it reminds you who you are at your core.

Azure: What is it that we all have within us? What is it that we try so hard to both hide and show everyone at once?

(Prism.) I feel like I'm actually getting farther away.

Wed, 27 Mar 2013 23:57:42 -0400

(Prism.) I feel like I'm actually getting farther away.:

As if differences in mentality and existential significance can determinedly distance individuals to the point where desire becomes moot and purpose begets change begets separation. Maybe that’s an entirely accurate description. Maybe I’m being pessimistic. I can’t tell anymore.

But I’m exhausted. Especially in light of the Bioshock Infinite thing. Finishing that game put everything in perspective of not only we do and why we do it, but that we can always choose to do differently, to act differently, that those things have different effects and change things on a constant basis. It perfectly encapsulates what it means to be human, what it means to always be in conflict of what you want to be and what you consistently are, and the fight between those two things.

I don’t think I’m tired of feeling like the only one fighting. That’s not true. Everyone’s always fighting, struggling, being.

I’m tired of feeling like I’m the only one winning.

Kuro: And that brings a special kind of loneliness, I just realized. Every joke has some truth to it.

(Shades.) Not sad, just alone.

Sun, 24 Mar 2013 19:15:23 -0400

(Shades.) Not sad, just alone.:

The above link is the only song I’ve listened to for what feels like a while.
It occurs to me now that I get really bad when I haven’t listened to music, any kind of music, for a long time. I suppose if there’s anything I could choose to be dependent on, it’s a good thing it’s something I have incredibly ready access to. Even so, that makes me uncomfortable.

I get the feeling that after posting this, I’m going to get a few complaints. That’s okay. I anticipated it. But, at the beginning of the day and at the end of the night, I am alone. In my mind, in my body, in my soul, in my experiences. Subjectivism for me is a single experience, that is practically superimposed on every passing and coming version of my self, not even including other people who’ve experienced similar things. Empathy is a brilliant and immensely difficult thing when put into perspective. I’ve tried to pride myself in it, even if it’s only ever been logical or abstract for me specifically. I’ve always tried to understand, like it’s the most important thing in the world.

But, because of some stupid emotion-driven thought, it feels like the rest of the world doesn’t feel or act the same way. That’s probably not even fair, as it may seem like I’m the same way a lot of the time. Nevertheless, I’m hearing an acute silence around this time of day. The loudest beauty through sonorous symbols fails to deliver me from the absolute tranquil nothingness that seems to permeate my existence at this very moment.

I bet, right after posting this, I’m going to change that. I can do that. But, I think it’s important to document my low times, my sad moments, since they seem/feel so few and far in between. Otherwise, I may (and probably more importantly, other people) forget I have them.

Sijto - So, how bout them websites, huh?

You suck for not updating this more.

Thu, 21 Mar 2013 17:48:56 -0400

You’re totally right. I’m thinking about starting to post again. Thanks, though :P - Sijto

how have you been?

Fri, 08 Feb 2013 00:19:07 -0500

Great :D Actually. Happy :) you? - Sijto

(Silver.) I feel.

Fri, 01 Feb 2013 13:53:12 -0500

(Silver.) I feel.:

I’m not sure how I feel, only that I do. Part of me looks at the fact that I feel at all as a flaw, as it might impair my judgment, but another part of me knows that’s wrong, that feelings are important and I shouldn’t block them out, shut them out, reject them, tell them to go away. I should understand them, acknowledge them, take them seriously, take their (ha) feelings into account.
So.
How am I feeling?

Angry? No.

Happy? No.

Sad? A little.

Frustrated? Yes.

Upset? No.

Determined? Yes.

Resentful? No.

Spiteful? No.

Conclusive? More than I should be.

I feel more conclusive than I should be. One case, two cases, three do not make a graph, do not make a set of lines that go in conjunction together. If at first you don’t succeed, that’s one data point. And that’s okay. There shouldn’t be some overly harsh judgment, some retroactive blowback, some overreaction of a result from this. I can handle it, as long as I acknowledge the above while accepting it, and look at things as they really are instead of how I both wish them to be, and dread them to be.

Skye: Just needed a little reminder.

Has anyone really been far even as decided to use even go want to do look more like?

Thu, 31 Jan 2013 21:00:12 -0500

…what? XD - Skye

(Silver.) Stake.

Fri, 04 Jan 2013 22:12:00 -0500

(Silver.) Stake.:

Have you ever heard that term? “What’s your stake in this?”
Once, I started wondering why people argue so much with their significant others more than seemingly anyone else. I realized that it had to do with “stake”, how they were more motivated to work on things and their relationship because it meant more to them. Because losing whatever it was was so out of the question, they had to work out whatever it was, or become emotionally drained an exhausted trying. In the interest of keeping said relationship stable or quiet, sometimes couples, one of them or both, will just let things slide. Completely not even bring up something that bothers them, and just stuff the feelings associated with it into a tiny little ball. It occurs to me now that some marriages, actually several of them, stay together this way.

But examining this line of thinking makes me realize that I am not like this. I don’t work towards relationships and for relationships because I’m afraid to lose them, or even simply for the sake of keeping things together. When it comes to romance specifically, I do it because I’m honest. I know relationships fail because of emotional retreating, just not talking about something or hiding within the self, and in the interest of that not happening because of dishonesty, I’m honest.

Which makes me unbearable to be with. Because, especially when it comes to the relationship itself, I’ll point out everything. And to most people, that’s annoying. Human beings don’t like flaws. They don’t like talking about, acknowledging, and/or trying to fix flaws, especially their own. It’s extremely frustrating to be with someone who’ll just spend a bunch of time telling you you’ve made a bunch of mistakes, whether you hurt their feelings or someone else’s or what, even if they’re just doing it for the sake of acknowledgement or progression. Which is why I’d tell most people not to date me. Not seriously, anyway. I’m not that mean to people I casually date.
So, when it comes to someone leaving me after a long while of putting up with my shit, it’ll come down to this: “Is my stake in this relationship worth that?”

Skye: Of course, “the one” would be eating up the criticism for breakfast and immediately doing shit to change it. But that’d be expecting a lot, wouldn’t it.

"You don’t try to build a wall, you don’t set out to build a wall. You don’t say I am going to build..."

Fri, 04 Jan 2013 18:29:42 -0500

““You don’t try to build a wall, you don’t set out to build a wall. You don’t say I am going to build the biggest, baddest, greatest wall that has ever been built, you don’t start there. You say I am going to lay this brick as perfectly as a brick can be laid, and you do that every single day, and soon you have a wall.””

- Will Smith.

(Silver.) Ambiguity.

Thu, 03 Jan 2013 20:32:00 -0500

(Silver.) Ambiguity. :

For the longest time now, I’ve maintained that I’d rather live in a tiny apartment with one or two rooms than live in a house or a mansion. Keep up a dead-end job and be left to my devices for the rest of the time, not progress economically or by social status because what did those things matter? They didn’t. Don’t. Some millionaires, presidents, CEOs, bosses are the most miserable of people. Too busy upholding the system, fitting into the cogs of said system with startling accuracy and precision to smell the roses, really breathe, really live their lives. I’ve always thought “If you could be happy or rich, which would you choose?” and anyone who chose “rich” was too stupid to realize that money meant nothing when your life meant nothing, and anyone who chose “happy” would have to learn to be so if they were poor.

But what if you could be both?

I figured out a couple months ago that my desire to live in a one room apartment was a reaching attempt at the zen of wanting nothing, desiring no excess and not pursuing things for the sake of pursuing them, or fitting in society, or making your family proud, or feeling like you’re worth something. These are all wrong reasons to do things. Your worth is a self perception, your family should be proud of your continued existence, not what it produces, to fit in society is slightly more terrifying than being different from it, and doing anything for the sake of it is quite frankly idiotic. So I reached for an internal balance, external be damned, and swam within myself to discover that I could modify myself to be okay with anything, any result and any reality, that I could be happy and feel fulfilled no matter what happened. It took some time and effort to maintain, still does, but I thought I’d won. Found the answer. In a way, I have. Part of it, anyway.

But further inspection at my life, myself, and perhaps Tibetan monks reveals that it could be better. Ever since finding the answer to that question (two years ago? Something like that.), I’ve become quite the person and done a few things, but not done as much as I can, and haven’t planned to do much else. Anything concerning my future and what I want to do with it has been guided by other people and my personal whim. It didn’t matter, because I was happy regardless. I could go about my entire life that way, happy, in bliss, and that would accomplished a happy, fulfilled life, but what would that accomplish?
I realized a while ago that most people who make it anywhere in life do so because of something they want. Success, fame, fortune, human beings clawing at the top because they imagine that’s the best place to be. They’re wrong, of course. Several people get there and end up disappointed, realizing that there is more to life than just that. And there is. But now I’m realizing that just because there’s more to life than those things doesn’t mean you have to not pursue them at all.

I used to think that in order to go after something, you have to want it, and if you want something, you have negative feelings associated with not having it, or ultimately not getting it. So, in order to be happy, truly free, you had to want nothing, fear nothing, desire nothing, and therefore, go after nothing. Drift in your life, etc. But further inspection says that this isn’t true. You can do both. You can want nothing, be happy, and go after things. There’s nothing inherently wrong with making money, so I can make an effort to do so, without being sad and disappointed that i don’t have any now or may not get any later. I can live my life as ambitiously and successfully as possible, but not worry about how much I succeed, how much I accomplish. I can live that way.

And I will.

Skye: One small step for man…

(Silver.) “You are ambitious, but you have no Ambition.”

Tue, 01 Jan 2013 06:26:50 -0500

(Silver.) “You are ambitious, but you have no Ambition.”:

What would it be like if I had Ambition? If I was fulfilling my complete ambition, how much would I learn? How far would I go? How much would I break in, break out, to fit, to live, to breathe, to fly? If I was told I could go anywhere, do anything, what would I do with my time instead of what I’m doing now?
An odd question. I’m already happy, anything past that seems irrelevant and pandering to the societal expectation of having a plan. Unfortunately, saying “well, fuck them” is about as stupid as having a plan for the sake of having one, and not really thinking about it. So,
let’s take a moment and really think about it.
I think I’d try to figure out the universe, and then change some parts of it (or at least figure out which parts would have to change) to make things better for other people. So the question becomes…
How do I do that?

Skye: I’m laughing. This will be, in fact, a fun ride.

(Silver.) I think I'm feeling a little...

Sun, 30 Dec 2012 21:58:35 -0500

(Silver.) I think I'm feeling a little...:

Upset.

You see.

I’m growing up. Becoming an “adult”. That word is in quotes because it’s a bit of a misnomer. What does it mean? Fitting social norms at a certain age? Any kid could do that. Compromising my beliefs to fit in the social norm? I hope not. A certain age, a certain amount of money earned, living in a certain place or doing a certain thing in life, having certain children or treating them a certain way? What is an adult?

I’m upset because I have a plan. I’ve never had a plan before, not one that spans any longer than 1 year (except for that one thing. we all know how that turned out ><) but I do now. And to do this plan, I’ll have to do certain things I don’t like, worse than that, certain things I don’t deliberately believe in. I say I’ll have to, not “I have a choice to but I will anyway” because if I don’t do some tiny things I don’t completely agree with, my life will become something I didn’t agree with as a whole. Small philosophical sacrifices start happening to make way for bigger ethical (self ethics, anyway. You make your own rules.) obligations. And while I am a flexible person, there are some things that will change, and some things that won’t.

Something that won’t change is that the society we live in is, to any intelligent and observant person, something that shouldn’t exist and should be torn down either completely or piece by piece to be built anew. The way it was built was not on any moral foundation, but rather through a more complicated and deliberate process of natural selection, and it has turned out in a way that any observant person could realize is wrong. Thus, as an observant or intelligent person, you have two choices (the obvious ones that I know of): 1) To go along with the social norms and curves that you have to, because anything else would be straight up pandering and sacrificing your beliefs because you were too afraid to follow them, or 2) continue along the curve until you and the curve have a disagreement, and go the other way, every time.

I’m upset because I’m choosing the first, because I’m simply not talented enough for the second. The second would probably involve single-handedly dismantling the entire system, which I must admit, would be nice. As a person who thinks that, like many, I am probably ahead of my time. That being said…

Skye: It sets up quite a few things. This decision had to be made at some point, and it’s a damn shame it’s this one.

(Helios.) I want to stop acting like I don't have any control.

Sat, 22 Dec 2012 01:22:15 -0500

(Helios.) I want to stop acting like I don't have any control. :

I do. I know I do, over everything. There are somethings I do because I know I can, and there are other things I don’t because I don’t feel like it. Why should what I feel stop me? Why should my emotions be the determining factor? Why should the direction of my thoughts direct my actions, when I know, truly on the inside, what it is that has to be done? Ultimately, that’s what this is about. It’s about taking that extra step from “some things” into “everything”. It’s the full transition. The (hardly) final push. It’s about being able to look at myself when I go to sleep and wake up (both in the mornings) and say: I did my best.

Sunny: But God, will this be painful.